Start by placing your pizza stone or heavy baking sheet in the oven and preheating to 450°F. This gives you that crucial bottom heat that makes for a crispy crust. If you’re using refrigerated dough, let it come to room temperature for about 30 minutes.
While the oven heats up, mix the softened cream cheese with half of the minced garlic, salt, and pepper until smooth. It should be easily spreadable – if it’s still too firm, let it sit out a bit longer.
Cook your bacon until it’s nice and crispy – you want it slightly crunchier than you’d normally eat it since it’ll soften slightly in the oven. Drain on paper towels and crumble into small pieces.
Slice your jalapeños into thin rings, about 1/8 inch thick. Remove the seeds and membranes if you want less heat.
Dust your work surface with flour and stretch your dough into a 12-inch circle. Don’t worry if it’s not perfect – rustic is good! The dough should be thin but without any transparent spots. If it keeps springing back, let it rest for 5 minutes and try again.
Mix the olive oil with the remaining minced garlic and brush this all over your stretched dough, going right to the edges. This creates a flavor barrier that helps prevent soggy crust.
Carefully spread the cream cheese mixture over the dough, leaving a 1/2-inch border for the crust. Layer on about 3/4 of your mozzarella and cheddar cheeses, then arrange the jalapeño slices evenly across the pizza. Sprinkle on the bacon pieces and finish with the remaining cheese.
Drizzle the ranch dressing over everything in a zigzag pattern – don’t go too heavy, you can always add more after baking.
Slide your pizza onto the preheated stone or baking sheet (a pizza peel or the back of another baking sheet works great for this). Bake for 15-18 minutes, or until the cheese is bubbly and spotted golden brown, and the crust is deep golden around the edges.
Let it rest for about 2 minutes before slicing – this helps the cheese set just enough so it doesn’t all slide off with your first bite. If you’re using them, sprinkle some chopped green onions on top.